This is a record of experience that has been de-identified, risk-screened, and language-edited; the original author's identity, geographic location, or identifiable details are not retained in the text.
The hardest part is not knowing when it will happen next
Many family members initially believe that as long as the person stops drinking for a period of time, everything will return to normal. We thought so too. But the reality is that the fifty-five-year-old is no different from when he was thirty. Time and again, we saw the same pattern: once addicted to drinking, it is very hard to turn back. If he starts drinking again after a period of sobriety, things soon fall apart. We finally understood that if we planned to quit drinking, there could be no reservations, and no lingering thought of "someday being able to drink normally."
This uncertainty keeps family members in a state of constant tension. You don't know whether he will drink today, and you don't know when he will lose control. Every phone ring, every time he comes home late, makes your heart race. We tried hiding alcohol, we tried arguing, we tried begging him to swear an oath, but none of it worked.
Why he can't control it himself either
Many people think that people with alcohol dependence simply lack willpower. But we gradually came to understand that this is not a simple matter of choice. Once a person becomes addicted to alcohol, he may still show strong perseverance in other areas, but his will to overcome the alcohol addiction becomes abnormally weak. We were once unwilling to admit this, always thinking we could change him through our own efforts. But the truth is that those attempts to prove he could drink normally like other people all ended in futility.
The methods we tried included: drinking only beer, limiting the amount of alcohol, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never keeping alcohol at home, never drinking during work hours, drinking only at social gatherings, switching from whiskey to brandy, drinking only natural wine, agreeing to resign if drinking at work, going on trips, not going on trips, swearing never to drink again, increasing physical exercise, reading books that enlighten the mind and soothe the spirit, going to health farms or sanatoriums... The list is truly endless. But none of them truly solved the problem.
Family members must first learn to solve their own problems
Helping an alcoholic recover must begin with oneself. This is what we learned after repeated setbacks. Family members must restrain their anger and anxiety, otherwise they will only worsen the alcoholic's condition. Before being able to have a beneficial influence on the alcoholic, family members must first learn to solve their own problems.
Specifically, we tried the following: learning about alcoholism and applying it to our own lives; attending family support group meetings and open meetings; recognizing that without compassion, principles, and a sense of justice, caring cannot exist. These sound simple, but they are hard to do. Especially when you see him drunk again, the anger and disappointment almost swallow you whole.
The things we once did wrong
We have summarized some taboos, which are not exhaustive but can serve as a reference: whether the alcoholic is drunk or sober, do not scold, lecture, blame, threaten, or argue with him; do not take away his bottle, and do not cover up the consequences of his drinking. Doing so may give you momentary relief, but things will get worse. Do not accept their solemn promises, because that is only a way to postpone the pain. If an agreement is reached, keep it, and do not keep changing it back and forth.
Do not let the alcoholic lie to you and then believe those lies as if they were true. Doing so only encourages him to lie. The truth is usually painful, but there is no choice other than to believe the facts. Do not let the alcoholic's little tricks succeed, because then he learns to evade responsibility and also loses respect for you. Do not let the alcoholic take advantage of you, or give him an opening to do so. If you do, you become an "accomplice," effectively helping him evade responsibility.
Of course, these are only guidelines, and they should be applied with discretion and flexibility. You can attend family support group meetings, and if you feel it is necessary, you can seek help from qualified professionals. You may find that you need this help just as much as the alcoholic does.
Facing reality: alcohol addiction is a progressive condition
Do not avoid this reality: alcohol addiction is a progressive condition, and if the drinking does not stop, the situation will get increasingly worse. Start now, acquire knowledge, understand the reasons behind it, and make a plan for recovery. Sitting and waiting for the worst is the worst choice of all.
Many family members no longer live with the alcoholic, but they still feel that the disease of addiction and their family's reactions have affected their lives too deeply. Because they cannot undo the enormous emotional impact of the past, their lives have fallen apart. But after these people attended family support groups, they found relief and achieved recovery.
There is no shortcut on this path, but at least we know we are not the only ones going through this. If you are facing a similar situation, why not start by doing something for yourself. To learn more, you can check the family support guide, or seek immediate help.
Family members must adjust themselves first before they can effectively support a person with alcohol dependence.