This is an experience record that has been de-identified, risk-screened, and language-edited; no identifying details of the original author, geographic location, or recognizable specifics are retained.
At first, I thought it was just social drinking
The first time he came home drunk was in the second year of our marriage. That day he had a dinner with colleagues, and when he came back his face was flushed and his speech was slurred, but he could still change his shoes and pour water on his own. I handed him a glass of honey water, and he said, "It's fine, I just had a few drinks." At the time, I thought it was normal for a man to drink a little at social engagements.
Later, that "normal" gradually changed. From once or twice a week, it became drinking almost every night. When he came home from work, the first thing he did was not change clothes, but grab a bottle of beer from the fridge. He drank during meals, and he drank while watching TV. I asked him why he drank every day, and he said, "to relieve fatigue," "can't sleep," "just one beer, it's not much."
I believed him. Because the men around us all seemed to be like that. My father, my brother, my colleague's husband—who among them doesn't drink a little? At the dinner table, people say, "If you don't drink, you're not showing respect," and at home, they say, "A little alcohol improves blood circulation." Alcohol is packaged as a social tool, a way to decompress, a life enhancer—no one thinks it's a problem.
The hardest part is not knowing when the next time will happen
The change came gradually. He started drinking baijiu, from one or two liang to half a jin. Sometimes he would fall asleep as soon as he finished drinking, but other times he would become talkative and irritable. He threw the remote control, smashed the coffee table, and the next morning he couldn't remember any of it. I asked him, and he said, "I drank too much, I couldn't control it."
I tried hiding the alcohol, and he searched through everything to find it; I tried pouring out his liquor, and he got angry at me; I tried arguing with him, and he slammed the door and left, coming back reeking of alcohol. What scared me the most was not the way he looked when drunk, but not knowing when the next time would happen. Tonight? Tomorrow night? Would he drink half a jin or a full jin? Would he fall asleep immediately or cause a scene?
That uncertainty made me hold my breath every day when I came home from work. My child asked me, "Is Dad drinking again?" and I didn't know how to answer. I started researching, wanting to understand what alcohol dependence really is. Then I discovered that the addictive mechanism of alcohol dependence has similarities to certain drugs—it affects the brain's reward system, creating a strong craving. But society's attitude toward alcohol is completely different from its attitude toward drugs.
Why alcohol cannot simply be classified as a "drug"
I understand that from a medical perspective, alcohol's addictiveness and harmfulness in some ways even exceed those of substances classified as drugs. But why isn't it classified that way? I later figured it out—the reasons are complex.
First is social perception. Alcohol is deeply rooted in Chinese culture—weddings, funerals, festivals, and business banquets all revolve around it. Asking a society that has been drinking for thousands of years to suddenly treat alcohol as a drug is nearly impossible. Second is economic factors. Tobacco and alcohol are major sources of national tax revenue, many liquor companies are state-owned enterprises, and liquor stocks are "star performers" on the A-share market. Prohibiting alcohol would have a huge economic impact. Finally, there is the difficulty of enforcement. The barrier to brewing alcohol is low—every household can brew it—and a total ban would spawn a massive underground market, just like Prohibition in the United States in the 1920s, which actually triggered more social problems.
So alcohol is not classified as a drug not because it "isn't bad enough," but because social, economic, cultural, and other factors make it "impossible to ban." But for family members like us, this "legality" actually makes the problem harder to solve—you can't demand that he quit with the same moral authority you would with drugs; you can't even identify a clear "enemy," because alcohol is everywhere, and the people around you will say, "What's the big deal about a few drinks?"
From "his problem" to "our issue"
It took me a long time to understand that this is not just his problem alone. I tried the cold shoulder, arguments, threatening divorce—none of it worked. Later, I changed my approach: instead of accusing him of "drinking again," I would say, "How many drinks did you have today? How do you feel?" I started recording when he drank, how much, and his mood changes, and gradually I found patterns—he drank more when he was under stress, more on weekends, and was more likely to lose control at social engagements.
I also started taking care of myself. Before, I was constantly focused on him, worrying that something would happen to him, and I was suffering from insomnia and anxiety myself. Later, I set aside time each week to get out and talk with friends, and I stopped putting all my attention on him. I found that when I became more stable, he was less likely to lose control.
We tried communicating several times, and he admitted he was "drinking a bit too much," but said he "couldn't quit." I didn't push him, but instead suggested reducing the amount first, such as from half a jin down to three liang. Although the process had its ups and downs, at least he began to face the issue. Later, we learned that there are professional avenues of help for alcohol dependence, such as immediate support and family support resources, which made us feel that we weren't walking this path alone.
Final thoughts
Alcohol dependence is complex because it is accepted by society, yet it leaves families in a dilemma. It is not explicitly prohibited like drugs, so family members are often left isolated and without support. But I want to say, if you are going through something similar, you are not alone. Try shifting from "his problem" to "our issue," take care of yourself first, and then slowly look for a way forward. Change takes time, but every step counts.
The complexity of alcohol dependence lies in the fact that it is accepted by society, yet it leaves families in a dilemma.