This is a record of experience that has been de-identified, risk-screened, and linguistically organized; the original author's identity, geographic location, or identifiable details are not retained in the text.
The first thing I discovered was the hidden liquor
The day I found his hidden liquor, I felt something hard while organizing the wardrobe. I opened the drawer and found an opened bottle of baijiu (Chinese liquor), wrapped in a plastic bag, tucked under the off-season clothes. I froze for a few seconds, my heart racing, and an indescribable fear surged up—not anger, but exhaustion. Because this wasn't the first time.
Before, he always said "just a little," but every time after drinking, his eyes would change. A usually gentle person would become irritable, stubborn, and even throw things after drinking. The next day he would apologize, swearing "I'll never drink again," but within a few days, he would relapse into the same behavior. I began to pay attention to his habits: he drank faster and faster—before, a bottle of beer could last a whole meal; now he would down it in a few gulps. He often drank alone on the balcony, or secretly while I was showering. He had to drink a few sips before bed, saying "otherwise I can't sleep," and the first thing he did upon waking was look for alcohol—he called it his "eyes-open drink."
I looked up a lot of information and found that these behaviors all have professional names: increased drinking speed, drinking alone or secretly from family, morning drinking, and bedtime drinking. When I checked against the list, he matched almost all of them. What chilled me most was his hoarding behavior. I dug out his hidden bottles and counted them—five or six in total, big and small, some hidden in the toolbox, some stuffed behind the bookshelf. At that moment, I suddenly realized he might have lost control long ago.
The hardest part was not knowing when it would happen next
His drinking pattern was not fixed. Sometimes he would drink heavily for several days in a row until his body couldn't take it, then stop, and after an interval of ten days or half a month, suddenly start again. This unpredictability kept me living in constant tension. I was afraid of receiving calls from his colleagues, afraid of him not coming home late at night, afraid of him driving after drinking—though I repeatedly urged him, he always said "it's fine."
Several times, he showed dangerous signs after drinking that required immediate help. I called the emergency number and waited in the ER until dawn. When he sobered up, he was full of guilt and said "it will never happen again." But I knew he had said those words many times. I even began to doubt myself: Was I too nagging? Was I too strict? But every time I saw him sneaking a drink, I felt again that it wasn't my problem.
I tried to talk to him and asked why he drank. He said "stress," "can't sleep," "I just can't help it." He said he didn't even like the taste of alcohol, but that floating feeling after drinking let him temporarily forget his worries. Only then did I understand—he wasn't drinking for enjoyment, but to escape. Yet after escaping, the problems remained, or even got worse—because of drinking, he delayed work, argued with his boss, and nearly got fired. We fought countless times over alcohol; he threw things, and I cried all night. The family atmosphere grew worse and worse, and our child became silent too.
Checking the list: I confirmed these signs
Later, I found a checklist of common signs of alcohol dependence and went through it item by item against his behavior:
- Views drinking as the most important thing in life, constantly preoccupied—every day, all he thought about was when he could drink
- Gradually increasing alcohol intake—from one bottle to two, from beer to baijiu
- Increased drinking speed—finishing in a few gulps
- Often drinks alone or secretly from family—hiding liquor, drinking on the balcony
- Uses alcohol as medicine to relieve emotional distress—he said "once I drink, I stop worrying"
- Hoards alcohol—I found it several times
- Often has memory lapses after drinking—the next day he doesn't remember what he said
- Drinks without planning, often causing problems after drinking—delaying work, breaking promises
- Morning drinking—the first thing upon waking is looking for alcohol
- Bedtime drinking—says he can't sleep without it
- Prefers drinking on an empty stomach—doesn't eat staple food while drinking
- Argues with family because of drinking—we fought countless times
- Has tried to quit before, but relapsed after a short time—he quit several times, the longest lasting two months
The checklist said that if more than 3 of the above signs are present, alcohol dependence is highly suspected. He matched almost all of them. I showed him the list, and he was silent for a long time, then said, "I know I have a problem, but I can't control it." At that moment, I was no longer angry—only heartbroken.
Quitting drinking is not a one-person matter
I realized that alcohol dependence is not a matter of willpower, but a health condition that needs to be faced squarely. His failed attempts to quit were not because he "didn't try hard enough," but because the withdrawal symptoms were too painful. He once tried to stop abruptly and developed hand tremors, sweating, palpitations, restlessness, and even vomiting. He woke up in the middle of the night, shaking all over, saying "I feel like I'm dying." I was terrified and quickly gave him a little alcohol, which relieved the symptoms. Only later did I learn that this is called withdrawal syndrome, and in severe cases it can present dangerous signs such as seizures and delirium, requiring professional intervention.
I accompanied him to see a doctor. The doctor took a detailed history of his drinking—he had been drinking regularly for over five years, with significant worsening in the past two years. The doctor also performed a physical examination and found elevated blood pressure and abnormal liver function. The doctor did not say "you must quit" or "you will definitely get better," but instead gave us a treatment plan that included medication support, psychological support, and family cooperation. The doctor specifically emphasized that if vomiting, seizures, tremors, or other symptoms occur during the quitting process, he must seek medical attention immediately and not tough it out.
I also began to adjust my role. Before, I was always watching him—checking his phone, searching his pockets, counting his bottles—and as a result, he hid it more secretly and we fought more fiercely. Later, I learned to set boundaries: I no longer cleaned up his messes or apologized for what he did after drinking, but I made it clear to him that if he was willing to quit, I would face it with him. I joined a family support group and listened to other family members share their experiences. One family member said: "You can't save him, but you don't have to be dragged down by him." That sentence brought me a lot of relief.
Now he has been sober for two months
These two months, he has taken his medication on time every day and attended regular follow-up visits. He has quit drinking, but occasionally still says he "wants a drink." I understand that the craving of alcohol dependence can last a long time. We no longer argue, but I know this road is still long. He sometimes has insomnia and sometimes feels irritable, but the dangerous signs have not reappeared. When I asked him how he managed to persist, he said: "I don't want to see you cry anymore."
I am writing this to tell partners going through something similar: you are not alone. Alcohol dependence is a challenge the whole family faces together, but you cannot bear it all for the other person. You can observe, you can accompany, you can seek professional help, but you must also protect your own boundaries. If you find that a family member shows signs such as hiding alcohol, morning drinking, memory lapses after drinking, or withdrawal reactions, do not blame yourself and do not stay silent. Go learn, go act, go seek help. You don't have to carry it alone.